Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Slipping and sliding back into a Ph.D. Depression

So I've recently slipped slowly back into my PhD Depression. It's been a really disheartening week because I had been feeling so good about everything lately. It's hard to say exactly how it started, but it went something like this:

2 Weekends Ago: Spent all weekend doing cool things for the blog. Reading about blogging, adding friends on facebook, checking my stats to see how many people visited the site, writing content for the upcoming week and upping the number of posts to once a day...

Last Monday-Wednesday: Spent most of the workday daydreaming about the blog. Wondering if people were reading the posts and if they were enjoying them. Wondering how many people answered the survey questions. Wondering how many new facebook friends I had (I restrict myself, for the most part, from doing blog-related activities while at school).

Thursday-Friday: Fantasized about running away and becoming a writer. Started realizing that what had been a good outlet to vent and share ideas for successful PhD completion was turning into a distraction and demotivator in itself. Resented the PhD program for keeping me doing something that I didn't daydream about like the blog.

Last Weekend: Felt guilty for not doing as much as I should have during the week. Turned the computer off for the most part, needed some space from the blog. Barely enjoyed the free time, thinking about how I really needed to make up lost work time. Missed checking up on the blog.

Monday: Total PhD Depression. Felt guilty and unmotivated. Lots of thoughts of PhD suicide. Realized I had to pull myself out and get on with it. Near the end of the day took my own advice and laid out a simple daily goal list for Tuesday (which I had, ironically, not been writing this past week...which, like I said in the goal list tip, means I didn't really want to commit to any work). Started to feel like I had a plan again. Completed my small goal for the day and felt better that night.

Tuesday: Slow start. Lots of blog reading (others, not mine). Some email writing. Eyed the goal list, made the push. Gotta accept these lows will come sometimes and just push out of them...