What would you do if you learned you were dying tomorrow?

I often think about this. It's a morbid thought, I know, and I'm not planning on dying anytime soon. But on the days that are really hard, that I really just don't feel I can take this PhD stress anymore, I think "If I found out tomorrow that I was dying I would..."

First and foremost I would quit the program. There, I've said it. Sometimes that thought makes me cringe, but then I realize that there are a lot of absurd things that I would do that I would only be doing because I was dying and I knew there was no future to plan for.

For example - I'd travel the world, go to every inch of it, especially the places that scare me right now, because who cares about danger when I'm dying? I'd also move home to my family and friends, whom I miss everyday (it's a dream world so I'm allowed to simultaneously travel and move home). I'd get too drunk a lot just for fun and eat too much and maybe take off my clothes and try to make one of those wild dashes across a stadium.

All those things sound amazing in a fantasy, but I wouldn't really want to do them for more than my last 6 months. I'm sure I'd fight with my family when we weren't brought together by my tragedy. I'd feel sick and gross if I got drunk all the time and ate too much. I could never really withstand the public humiliation of running naked across a stadium. Traveling though...I might be able to do that one forever.

But could I live with quitting the PhD program? I'm not as sure either way.

I talked before about the feeling of failure that motivates me sometimes to stay in the PhD program. But it's also more than that. It's the feeling of success when I figure something out and produce a paper that reveals an idea I had that no one has ever had before (or at least hasn't published).

It's the feeling that I just don't quit when things get tough. I've been seeing lots of advice floating around the internet to my fellow struggling PhDs of "if you don't like it, don't waste your time". Who says it's a waste of time? Ok, sometimes I do when I'm feeling PhD Depressed, but isn't it all (i.e. life) a waste of time? And aren't we always learning or growing somehow if we choose to? At least, that's how I feel on the good days. How can it be wrong to stay in a generally good environment doing sometimes interesting things? From what I hear from other friends, a lot of them spend their days at work surrounded by bad people and doing totally uninteresting things.

What do you think?



That survey can't capture everything you have to say. Let me know what you would do with your life if you only had 6 months left. And do you agree with me that temporary moments of dissatisfaction may just be something you must trudge through in life? What is the breaking, "give up" point for you?

Tip #5 - Get Social

I really believe that there are a ton of good things about life in academia. It brings together intelligent, frugal, interesting people to (theoretically) explore the deepest levels of their undying passion...but one bad thing about it is that these people also have the tendency to be a bunch of antisocial nerds. I say that will all due respect and lovingness because I myself can be quite the antisocial nerd.

The problem is that all of these people are thrown together, Lord-of-the-Flies-style, and then create a hierarchy and culture of antisocial nerdiness. The main drawback of this culture is that, as you near the top of the food chain (i.e. moving from undergrad to grad student), you often encounter more and more people who believe life revolves around sitting alone, thinking, and working.

It's easy, when you are a sometime antisocial nerd like myself, to fall into this trap, but when work lets you down and sends you into a PhD Depression you may realize that something is missing...all of the friends and family you've been neglecting.

So here are some suggestions of things I've tried to do for myself:

• Pick up the phone! If you can't do anything else, i.e. you don't have time or you're too far away from loved ones, then just call them. Do this while you're driving (but do it hands free and pay attention to the road), walking, biking, skating or busing to school. You have to commute anyway so dedicate those few free minutes to reconnecting - it'll give you a great out to hang up when you get to school if you don't want to spend too much time talking. Or figure out another hour of each day, or at least week, when you call (while eating, walking to the bathroom, taking a 5 minute break...).
  
  
• Communicate electronically. Whomever thinks that e-communication is the downfall of society hasn't been a stressed, overworked PhD student - for whom it can be a lifeline. Of course meeting in person or even talking on the phone is better than just keeping an electronic relationship with someone, but it is a great way to keep a lot of people up-to-date on your life and/or communicate quickly. Start a blog so everyone knows what's going on, follow the blogs of others, tweet someone a quick hello, text a mass "Happy New Years" - these are not the actions that make a relationship deep or everlasting, but keeping up even small amounts of communication can keep you sane.
  
  
• Make a date. You may be starting to see a pattern here (I made a similar suggestion in my workout tip) but that's because this is the best trick that works for me. Make a standing date with a friend to do something just once a week and don't break this date. Try to pick a friend who is reliable and also fun, someone who can take your mind off work. Make the date a dinner or lunch date if you want because you have to eat anyway. I have found that just having one standing date with the same one friend can make a real difference in my mood and outlook. The best part is talking to someone who has a total outside view of your life and a totally different life than yours, it makes you remember that there is life outside of your little academic world.
  
  
  
• Accept all weekend invitations, or make your own. It is fine and, probably responsible, to not party every night of the week, but do you really have to work all weekend too? If you're really burnt out, then something's got to give, and my first suggestion is to give up weekend work. I didn't do that until recently when I met some very hardworking people who refuse, unapologetically, to so much as check their email on the weekends and the attitude has blown my mind. It's amazing how refreshing it is to just leave your worries at the door on Friday and let your brain relax for the weekend. Go talk to people, go dancing, go to a bar...let it all out and see if you don't feel more ready to work on Monday or even Friday when you're making a final push to the finish line each week (as opposed to a slow drag through the never ending process).
  
  
• Ask others how they are doing. You can't keep up a genuine relationship with a person if all you do is complain to them all the time. Don't forget that you're not the only one with problems. Don't be an emotional parasite, be an emotional mutualist. It also can really put things into perspective when you realize everyone has different problems and can help you decide if yours are as bad as you thought.
  
  
• Don't ask others how they're doing. And don't talk about your problems either. Make a promise to yourself to just not talk about it for a while. Talk about anything that isn't work.
  
  
• Network! I hate that word, it sounds so slimy to make friends to help your career. But if all else fails, if you feel you can't take one minute away from work to revive (or begin) your social life, then think about the adage "it's all about who you know". Whether you like it or not, people get jobs, promotions and raises based on who they know and what those people think of them. It's only dirty if there's someone more qualified who gets passed up because of a brown-noser suck-up. It's human nature if you're a friendly, outgoing, intelligent person who pops first into someone's mind. The more people you know and speak to, the more minds you're likely to pop into when an opportunity arises. You never know who will stumble across what opportunity for you, so even hanging out with your oldest friend and continuing that relationship can be considered networking. If you can't think of any other reason to be social, at least think of it as something that will help your career as much or more than your next publication...
  
  

And don't forget, commenting here would be fulfilling the e-communication suggestion, so start your socializing now and leave me a comment about what you think!

Are you staying in your PhD program because you're afraid of failing?

Recently I discovered that someone that I grew up playing sports with is now doing it professionally and is climbing the ladder towards the top of the field. They travel all over the world to compete and even have a fan page on facebook. It's amazing and I'm really proud to know this person, but it got me thinking - I never aspired to be a PhD. I did always say I wanted to be a doctor while I was growing up, but I meant the medical kind. After entering the PhD program I started drinking the kool aid of superiority and along the way have come to think of getting a doctorate as the end-all, be-all. If you don't get your doctorate, then really, what are you worth?

That feeling has been one of the main motivating factors behind my drive to finish in my darkest PhD hours, and for the first time in a long time I realized how silly it was. This friend of mine has an amazing and exciting life doing something we both love and is becoming famous (in that community at least) for it. Meanwhile, I'm stuck in an office all day working. How did I convince myself that this was the coolest job in the world? On the flip side, when did I decide being a professional athlete was a cool job - I never felt that way before this moment, I never aspired to go pro, it was always just a hobby. Is this just a reaction to my feeling trapped in doors all day long? Is this the same reaction that causes other engineering PhDs to leave give it all up to pursue fashion design or photography or anything opposite of science?

So the survey today is one question:
Are you like me, does the fear of failure keep you in your program?



Is there another, non-doctorate requiring profession that you fantasize about pursing? If so, is it is the polar opposite of what you're getting your PhD in? Leave a comment and tell me what this fantasy job is! I want to hear what you have to say!

Tip #4 - Try to remember why you're getting your Ph.D.

Why did you do it? What made you decide to go to grad school in the first place?

Ok, take away all of the reasons like "I want to be a professor", "I want to make sweet professor cash", "I want to have tenure one day so that I never have to worry about getting fired", etc.

Boil it down to some tangible act that you enjoy performing (hopefully there's still something there, or you might have a problem). What made you love your subject so much that you decided to spend the next 40-60+ years devoted to exploring the most minute details of it? Try to remember that.

Now, let's try to get back to that.

Obviously, you can't completely ignore the parts of the program you dislike, but if you can remember what you did love, and make a concerted effort to introduce that back into your daily routine, then those other things that are causing your PhD Depression just may become bearable.

Personally, it might sound crazy, but I didn't start the program for the research or teaching aspect. I started it because I enjoyed the course work as an undergrad. Being a good student, I had gotten the opportunity to work on a few research projects, which I thought were representative of what I would be doing. That was not the case. I know now that what the undergrads do in my field (engineering) on research projects involves much less open-ended research, and more implementing of a nicely defined concept (which is similar to undergraduate course work).

It was a rude awaking to find how open-ended and ambiguous real research is. I can get very overwhelmed by this ambiguity, which makes me want to crawl under the covers and ignore the world.

But lately I've been trying to set small daily goals of working on the concrete implementation of concepts that I enjoyed as an undergrad, and it has reignited a little of my passion.

So try it out. If you can allocate a small amount of time to whatever it is that you loved doing with your subject, can it make the rest of the day and drudgery bearable? Let me know how it goes.

Gap year

I've recently heard the term "gap year" for the first time. A gap year is described in one article as "a time to explore, learn, travel, and test yourself". After looking around at the programs offered and the articles written on it, my interpretation of the "year" is a time where you do anything other than progress towards your intended career goal, which seems to be a logical rebellion of Millenials to the pressure put on us by the helicopter parents that were the topic of similar lifestyle articles a few years ago.

(Ironically, it is stressed in almost all articles that you should spend this year doing something that could become a selling point in a future interview, which makes it sound a lot like college to me. But I choose to focus on the year as one of self discovery, not resume building)

I think this phenomenon sounds amazing and I wish that I had known about it when I was graduating from college. Actually, I did hear of it once, from a friend of mine whose family had all taken gap years after high school or college. At the time I thought it was just an excuse of the lucky and wealthy to put off getting a job. While I was right about the putting off getting a job part, I now see the benefit to this year. Tired and "burnt out" by 26 years of school and 10 years of progressing towards an expertise that I wasn't in love with - just because I didn't know what else to do - I wish I had known that I could take a step out of the race to assemble my thoughts and discover my passions. I don't think you have to be lucky and wealthy, only resourceful, motivated, willing to take a risk and possibly willing to live in debt for a while. But, with that, you have the chance to learn and explore for a whole year (give or take), hopefully coming out the other side a reborn person who has discovered their passion, as opposed to spending years in week-long vacation increments doing small things to get there.

Personally, I've decided to make a bad situation good and look at my time left in the Ph.D. program as a gap year since it provides me with money, travel and a flexible schedule. But I wonder now what I could have done with a year of travel and exploration between college and grad school (not a year of work, I'll discuss that topic in another post). I have yet to find my true undying passion, and maybe that could have given me some clues.

And what about after grad school? If you think gap years are just for recent high school and college grads, think again. Apparently people are taking them in the middle of their careers or while switching careers. If things I'm working on right now don't work out by the time I finish the Ph.D. program, I'm considering doing a real gap year. I think it would be very soothing to the soul to remove myself from this hyperanalytic, high-stress world to focus entirely on improving the lives of others somewhere.

So what do you think of the gap year? Waste of time or needed break?

Tip #3 - Get professional help!

I just saw this very sad article about 3 Caltech students who committed suicide in the last 3 months.

I want to reiterate what I said in the first post: If you are suffering from a major depressive disorder or having thoughts of suicide, please get professional help.

Even if you just need someone to talk to, you have a great opportunity to utilize the free services of your school. Check out the free and confidential counseling services that your school probably offers. Sometimes just an objective (and paid to listen!) point of view can really shed light on things.

It may seem like your advisor or your department doesn't care about you, but your school definitely cares about your mental health. In addition to counseling services, look into the other professional services your school may be offering to help keep you sane in these crazy times:

• Stress
  
  • Stress Counselor - It's their job to relax you, help them get paid.
    
    
  • 1-Time-Only Offerings - These usually pop up right around finals and may include free 10 minute massages, breathing workshops or yoga classes.
    
    
    
• Physical Health
  
  • Doctors, Insurance, Gym, etc - Use these services while you get them cheap! Get yourself in top shape, in case you have to start paying your own insurance soon.
    
    
  • Smoking Cessation Programs - These can be pretty expensive when paid for, take advantage of your school's concern for your health and do it now. Taking control of one aspect of your life can make taking control of other parts that much easier.
    
    

• Career
  
  • Career Counseling - Why not go discuss your options should you choose to leave the program?
    
    
  • Career Fairs - See what's out there, make some contacts, set up informational interviews
    
    
    
• Academic
  
  • Writing Workshops - Having an expert tell you how he thinks it should be done may teach you something, inspire you, or remind you that you're a better writer than others and renew some confidence. Also, meeting other attendees in your position can help you develop a Ph.D. support group.
    
    
  • Tutoring/Knowledge Exchange - Use the tutoring services offered by the school to get someone to explain a peripheral area of knowledge, or find a Ph.D. student with whom you can exchange help in your area expertise for theirs (i.e. your knowledge of good writing for their programming skills, etc)
    
    
    
• Graduate School Services
  
  • Grad Center - Mine offers free coffee and a place to work that isn't the library or my office.
    
    
  • Workshops - You may find grad-specific workshops like how to write a dissertation or how to apply for grants.
    
    

Do you have any other favorite services that I've missed?

Will your PhD contribute to society?

One struggle I have with my work is that I don't feel it will contribute to any greater good in society. Sure, it will contribute to academia, but it won't directly improve someone's life. I'm not curing diseases, I'm not developing crops that will feed the hungry, I'm not designing buildings to house orphans. I have always had a strong desire to "contribute". I thought contributing to academic discussion would be enough. Seeing my name in print would prove that I had done something in this world. But one of the first things that comes to mind when I'm feeling down on my work is "what's the point?"

Is it only me? Or is this a problem lots of PhD's go through? If we had more meaningful work, would we be happier? Let's see what everyone thinks...



What does "contributing" mean to you? In what way would you most like to be contributing in life?